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Sep. 13th, 2006 @ 10:25 pm
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Nice sweet cheap wine... nector of the gods.
sometimes I wish I could stab myself in the heart but i know i can't. |
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Oct. 12th, 2005 @ 10:17 pm
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My mood has improved a bit that will happen. Today I decided I need to start on my novel. I'm not getting any younger I have to start exhibiting some kind of talent otherwise it's going to start being hard to impress people. I have to just decide what it will be on... of course something a bit autobiographical so I'm searching through many of my memories. I'm thinking dark of course since well I'm dark and some kind of humorous. I will follow through on this unlike most things as of late.
I think I drive people away with my ranting... I sound like a bitter old man and I'm only 27. I have the maddness at times though I can't help it.
I want to find something beautiful but dark.Current Mood:  crazy Current Music: The Cure- Lullaby |
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I deleted my other journal I was pretty much tired of it along with the people on it. I've been in such a foul depressed mood as of late. Right now there is just this sick feeling in my stomach and I don't feel like doing anything. I laid in bed today not going to classes I even thought about not leaving all day long skipping work as well but with all the fincial debt i'm in that isnt' a good option. It's not even that which has gotten me down it's all of it's life in general. I'm in a down period and I feel lower each time that happens.
Erin seems to be gone finally which is fine with me. Her profile is still on my myspace profile I just haven't felt like deleting right now. She seemed upset about my not talking to her and finally left me a message about what happened to me and if it was her fault. I just told her no it wasn't her fault and that I just couldn't deal with a relationship at the moment. It was kind of suprising when she just said back that she didn't want one. Could of fooled me but I just don't feel like settling for something to make another person happy. I want to be happy.
I hung with another girl Katie Saturday night. It was drinking and talking then back to her place. I ended up staying the night but there wasn't any sex. Just a bunch of making out which was pretty nice. IN the morning I was pretty sick and she was trying to kick me out. Weird I've never been thrown out in the morning but I guess it gives me an out if I want it. I would say as of right now I'm not interested in anything serious with her but wouldn't mind having some more fun.
Really I want something more I want to feel something real.Current Mood:  depressed Current Music: Air- Bathroom Girl |
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Jul. 23rd, 2005 @ 07:40 pm
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Fuck why even bother updating this thing?
I'm just sitting here with nothing to do watching Bedazzled because nothing is going on. My roommates are gone so I'm just checking out some porn and such.. interesting stuff. I'm thinking of going to get something to drink being drunk sounds good. Fuck screwing would be great as well god knows it's been too long. well maybe god doesn't know it but I do. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a sexual person especially for someone who doesn't get any. It's not even my looks it's my umm social skills I suppose well it's not like I just want to randomly fuck people all the time either.
I think it's been since march and then it wasn't even that good.Current Mood:  horny Current Music: Human League- Don't you want me baby |
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I'm just putting off sleeping I guess that later I stay up the later I will sleep tomorrow and that can't be a bad thing. Screw responsibilities what good does it do me paying attention to anything anyways real life holds nothing but disappointments and regrets.
I watch a musical up at Kent tonight with Tatum and Tony. I hadn't seen one before but that was a choice I made because I didn't think they would be any good. I was right of course I think it was called anything goes. Besides the fact the story itself was corny I found it annoying to just break out with a song in a middle of the story and tap dancing isn't really my thing. What is one suppose to think when a bunch of guys dressed as sailors start tap dancing? I suppose for some people musicals are enjoyable but I think I'm going to have to skip them for now on.
I saw Cursed tonight but it wasn't much better. I use to be a fan of horror movies but that is slowly changing as they are all made by people who seem to be complete idiots and I use to think Wes Craven was pretty decent even if the whole scream thing wasn't all that great. The Hills have Eyes and the original nightmare will always be good though I suppose some people should just stop when they are young.
It's just been a long day and I've been trying to work through the problems I've been having. I have been up and down with my moods lately it's just annoying. One minute I feel like everything is great and the next I'm thinking over the benefits of slashing my wrists. I just have deal with things and realize that every screwed up thing that happens in my life isn't the end of the world. I know this I just sometimes have to really wonder if the rest of my life is worth living if it's just going to be a repeat of the previous 26... god it feels strange to actually realize I have been alive that freaking long. It certainly doesn't feel like and to tell you the truth I would of never guessed I would of made it this long. It's weird knowing that you could pretty much die at any second I'm just waiting for one late night when I'm coming home for some drunk to fly through a red light or perhaps have some mugger shoot me while I'm buying a late night snack at some random gas station. I don't know I think about things that perhaps shouldn't be though about but someone has to think them. Oh well I'm going to bed it's been a long wasted day.Current Mood:  contemplative Current Music: Q and not U- Horray for humans |
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i have no problem with being a complete fuck up. People who desire to be anything have the problem I don't want or need anyone to worship me. I already know I am better then 99.99% of the people who exist so why should I even bother.
I know I've come from the deepest darkest depths of hell who cares everyone has to come from somewhere. I know pain I know misery and really it's all just a joke to me. There is nothing that can happen that will ever faze me I can live through and survive everything because i have been designed that way.
I believe in nothing and hope for everything just like all good christians. I can't take communion because no water was ever splashed on me but church is boring and then never give you enough wine to drown away the day anyways.
I will last longer than the cockroach just because i know what it takes to make it through the day.
Jan. 29th, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
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I have to say I'm really messed up right now. I've had I don't know how many glasses of wine but seeing straight is a bit of a problem right about now... funk soul brother. Disregard that last statement. Fuck sometimes it's really amazing how good it feels to be messed up even when no one is around. Hell I wish someone was here some human contact would be nice.
My brain is a bit frazzled right now and i'm watching alien.
I would want nothing more than to have someone around to make out with. I really miss kissing I mean it's just such a great thing to do with another person well with a girl. I enjoy all aspects of being with a other person I like being able to make someone else feel good that's what makes me feel good I guess. I want something hot and sweaty right now.
I'm drunk right now so why can't someone be here to fuck?
no one reads this so i'll be as vulger as I desire.
Jan. 29th, 2005 @ 10:50 pm
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I saw a Cary Grant biography at the book store last night that I want... I just hate paying new book prices. I did end up getting a few cd's I wanted though I got the Arcade Fire and Sufjan Stevens oh and I also got a Get Fuzzy calender really cheap. There was just too many things I wanted I suppose that will happen since I have an obsession with books, dvds, and music.
I got my tire fixed today finally I just having to spend like an hour in those smelly waiting rooms. It looks like I'll probably have to get new tires soon which sucks I don't want to spend money on a car.
I think I'm having a problem with not only my motivation but also my focus. I can't help but constantly stare of into space lately especially when people are talking to me... I think people feel I'm ignoring them which I'm not trying to do. I'm just in my own little world lately which sucks with classes just starting because I keep zoning out.
I'm going to have to go outside again soon which sucks it's too cold.
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I really dislike paris hilton and her little friend whatever her name is..... why do people get popular for being stupid and arrogant?
Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 04:50 pm
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| » there is nothing sweet about me |
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Remind me not to talk to people anymore. I try IM someone I haven't spoken with for a while and they bite my head off.... asking what do i want. Saying I haven't messaged them for a while when well they could have messaged me some people are just weird. Actually the mood I'm in now I'm not in the mood to talk with anyone. I'm eating these freaking nasty ramen noodles and ehh i'm just annoyed. Classes start tomorrow and I somehow have to get to the bank and buy a parking pass before classes start at ten. There better not be a long line.
Ugh I just have this nasty generic noodle taste in my mouth now.
I just got this annoyed feeling with people lately. All the girls I've come across lately too I just don't know about all it ever develops into is friendship well unless I don't want it to. Am I forever doomed to be a friend and why do the only ones that desire me are the slightly less desirable. Looks aren't everything but sometimes it would be nice. I hate it I'm always called sweet....ugh.
I've just had this overwhelming blah feeling lately.
Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 10:38 pm
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You Are 20 Years Old |
20
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
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Jan. 12th, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
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| » f'ed in the ass |
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People are just silly thinking a new year really brings any changes at all. The only change I can ever really notice is having to remember to write a different year on the date. It's kind of nice I don't have to do it nearly as much as I once did but still.
I'm just sitting here in my boxers wonder what it is that I should write about. There was new years eve of course over Kristy's. It was an average evening at best I almost wish I went out to kent instead. It was better than an evening alone though it just sucks. There really weren't many people over when I got there a few of her friends from her last job where there and they were just talking about other people they knew and other things for the most part I didnt have anything to say on. It's not like I would of really said anything anyways. Anyways around 10 they left and it was just me and her boyfriend for a bit until another friend of hers showed up for a bit. So it was just the four of us sitting around watching what crap was on tv and I didnt even really know half of these people well not all that good anyways. I ended up heading home sometime around 2 I think maybe a little tipsy but nothing serious I just needed to get home. I got home drank a little more and passed out around 4.
Sometimes my life feels so empty I really hate being single but I have to be so gosh darn picky. What can't I like or tolerate being with whatever random person actually decides that like me? Who needs things in common or physical attrativeness when you get someone you could probably get to do most things for you? It's nice having someone around to kill the isolation but after that feeling goes away you kind of have to enjoy your time together. I hate being as picky and complicated as I am but I suppose I'll always be that way it's just life.
I've been kind of talking for a few people from myspace again. I don't know what it is about that place but it seems to be like the singles bar of the internet. I don't even do the picking up that is the scary thing. I get a bunch of random girls either adding me, sending me messages, or IM'ing me. I can't complain much though I like attention I guess I always have even if I do tend to isolate myself a lot but I need a lot of personal space I got a lot going on inside my head.
This break sucks I desperately want back in school which is somehting I would never have believed would happen just over christmas break over the period of a few weeks. Yeah I can accept the bad crap going on it's partly my fault and I've let things slip this far so yeah but I just want to make it go away now.
My apartment is really dirty as am I.
Jan. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:09 am
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| » nothing feels better than nothing |
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I feel good then I feel bad then I feel good again.
This whole anticipation thing has got me fucked up. Things are neither as good or bad as anticipated this i know but I can't help but feel really good about something I want to happen or extremely bad about something I am dreading. That is me I'm dreading and dwelling on what's going to happen as a result of my fucking up and getting into that accident. My insurance lapse was my fault I thought I could get by with paying it late seeing as I dont have a lot of money. I couldn't I walked on thin ice and it broke I fell through. Life is about taking risks I suppose sometimes you get burnt and sometimes you get lucky.
I'm begining to think things may work out alright but who knows.
I have to go buy some underwear maybe some socks too.
I'm hoping I get to hang out with Megan tonight.
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 03:38 pm
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| » nothing is anything |
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The days seem so long this week. Time just seems to slow down when you have nothing upcoming to look forward to the day just drags on forever. I guess I got use to spending boring evenings with Lara that now that I have boring evenings to spend alone I don't know what to do with myself.
It was just a cold and snowy day that's it. Nothing absolutely nothing happened worth mentioning. I walked to the store and I worked for a few hours..... blah boring shit.
I had a dream Tatum was kissing me the other night and I have to say that was very strange.... I didn't like it. She's mine friend and that is pretty much the only way I think of her. I suppose dreams aren't really always things that you wish to happen but still I felt strange...it's like thinking of kissing your sister.
I don't know if I'll go up to school tommorrow or not. If the weather is bad I don't think I'll even bother I hate trying to drive up to cleveland in this weather it always takes for ever when it should only take 20 minutes. I have no motivation to take a math placement test but the only good thing is that I don't really care to do extremely well because I don't want to take a really advanced class I'm lazy when it comes to taking classes I don't really need to.
I'm feeling kind of lonely lately too I want to go out and date but I just have trouble finding anyone I really feel a connection to. That's why it didn't work with Lara I just didn't feel any connection.
Dec. 19th, 2004 @ 11:18 pm
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Ugh things are just blah blah blah as of late.
I didn't think it could be but things are even more dull since breaking up with Lara. I suppose I should go out and try to find someone else to date. I'm in love with that girl up there.
I've been talking a bit with this girl megan but I don't think anything besides friendship will come of that. That's fine with me having more friends is always a plus since other relationships end all the time.
I'm needing some action though this always happens until I get used to not having any again.
I have two finals tommorrow ..... God this sucks.
Dec. 16th, 2004 @ 10:21 pm
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| » friends only |
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Oct. 8th, 2004 @ 07:48 am
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